I just read an interesting article by Wendy Laura Belcher, regarding the struggle of academic writing and the side effects of depression. She explained that many academics of the world struggle with writing, and that many have a negative relationship with writing. I found this really interesting and comforting to know that it’s not just me.
Since I began my undergraduate degree in 2009 at the later than usual age of 24, I have always had a sneaking suspicion that I should not really be here. By here I mean University College Cork Ireland I still remember sitting in that ‘introductory’ lecture to first year History when they gave out the first assignment a 1500word essay due in two months’ time. Granted, now after handing up an 8000word dissertation in my final year of my BA and I can think 1500words- that’s nothing!
However the same underlying fear is still here, as I am a month into my Masters degree, I can’t write (coherently anyway!). While I know this to be only an insecurity on my part, as I did receive a prize for my final year dissertation so clearly I must have some capabilities when it comes to writing, unless UCC are known for awarding prizes due to feeling sorry for their students!?! However it is now November and I still have yet to produce a blog post, which is part of our continuous assessments!! So already I am failing!!
This is due to a few reasons the main being my depression which always likes to rear its ugly head at this time of the year, why I am not a hundred per cent sure, but here are a few reasons which definitely contribute to it:
like many people who get depressed around New Year’s September just so happens to be my New Year’s,
darker evenings and colder weather,
new masters equals new beginnings which could result in something new for me to fail at,
financing this new Masters,
meeting new people all of which are far more intelligent than I and much more well read,
talking to Lecturers (yes I understand perfectly well they are only human, its more I’m afraid by talking to them they figure out I’m not cut out for the programme),
which brings us nicely on to my continuous struggle with my self-confidence in my capabilities!
And again I understand that I am not alone here but when it’s the middle of the night I am alone and that the dark feeling has ample time to gain a firm footing thus by morning I am physically and more importantly mentally exhausted so its much easier to either roll over and sleep in the safety of the bright day, re-read a book that will take me away from myself or watch a TV show which depicts a world making sense.
Jez that was a ramble and a half apologises! My main reason for this ‘ramble’ is that I am going to try to follow Wendy Laura Belcher advice and write for at least 15 minutes each day. Obviously my main aim is going to be my college work (that bloody blog!) however if that is proving difficult I will try with this personal blog of mine. Which I am still between two minds as to whether I will keep it anonymous or link it up with my twitter hmmm I’ll decide tonight. Consequently by following Wendy Laura Belcher’s advice I am also unintentionally (kind of) participating in AcWriMo.
Ok my concentrate is gone now!!